lost.

I’ve spent a lot of my life being who I thought someone would want me to. That someone could be my parents, brothers, friends, boyfriend, husband, teacher, you name the person, I had an idea of who they wanted me to be, and I would try my best to be that person. Do you know what that does to a person? In the midst of utter chaos, it will leave you lost.

It’s not any of those people’s fault. I am the person who wanted to please. I am the one who wanted to be perfect and be everything to everyone. The truth is, I am replaceable in many areas of life. When I left my job after having Clara, REPLACED, when I quit playing piano at church, REPLACED, ect… do you see where I’m going? In most areas of your life, there is going to be someone to pick up the slack, whether they are worse at it than you, or better than you. My experience is they are usually better than me and then I have to come up with some reason why that person is more successful than me.  I never realized this about myself before. I knew I wanted people to like me. I thought everyone felt that way, so obviously I was normal and just like everyone else.

Fast forward to me sitting in counseling and telling my therapist about all the problems with my peoples.

He says “Who is taking care of Kim?”

This may come as a surprise, but he asked me this pretty much every time I came to see him. I didn’t know that he could see it, but he knew. I was lost. I was physically ok, but otherwise I was lost. There was chaos swirling around me, I couldn’t see the ground, and I had spent my entire marriage trying to be the person my husband wanted me to be, that when it all came crashing down, I was lost. I had 3 kids under 3. I got that, change diapers, feed people, don’t cry in front of them, be a good mom. So I was mom. I wasn’t wife anymore. I had spent the past 3-4 years trying to be exactly what this man wanted me to be, and now I didn’t know what to do. I was lost. Barely treading water. Who was I? Who was Kim? When he asked me “Who is taking care of Kim?” I think he might have also been asking “Who is Kim?”

Honestly. I am still figuring parts of it out. There are constants. Things that are intrinsic that have gotten stronger, and taken more root. That is my faith in Christ. There is no way I would be able to even stand up or be alive through all this without Him. He has been my Rock. The Lord has blessed me immeasurably through friendships, he’s humbled me, he has shown me how much he loves me through all the mess. He has answered so many prayers. He has asked me to reach out and ask people for prayer (I felt so uncomfortable doing it, and then He answered my prayer!). I can’t say enough that I know God is real, and that He loves me, and that He has big plans for my kids, cause He got them here in a big hurry.   My family. They have stood by me, and been there for me. We have only gotten stronger. My besties. They have seen me in my worst. The worst. I’ve said mean things shown them just plain ugly sides of myself, and they have shown me nothing but grace, love, and support. I can say that my foundations are really strong. If you don’t have a strong foundation, you need to get one.

The things I want and need to figure out about myself are things that I always did for other people that I should have been doing for myself. I am gonna do the things I wanted to do before I decided to be who my husband wanted me to be. I love being a mom. I love those crazy little monsters. But, what kind of example am I setting for them, if I don’t show them that you get to have a life and be your own person? I don’t have to be nothing else and just be mom. That isn’t my identity. I need to be me. I can dye my hair purple and have sleeve tats, and at the same time be a good mom too. I’m pretty sure purple hair and sleeve tats is not this gal right here, but you get my point. I have however already dyed my hair rose gold, and the next round I think it will be a little more pink than this round! What is my style? What do I want to be when I grow up (I know, I’m 30, but give me a break people!)? What’s on my bucket list? What do I want? NOT What does the other person want. WHAT DO I WANT? I’m not trying to be selfish. I’m trying to decide. That’s not wrong. I’m just gonna do me.  I know. Most people did this when they went to college at 18. I’m a little late to the game. I want to go to dinner with my friends, and I want a life that is not just about kids, or spouses. I want to have interests and things that don’t just revolve around other people. Is that too much to ask? I need to find myself. I need to get unlost.

Out of Control

Control. It’s not something I ever thought I struggled with. BUT- the circumstances of life, have shown me just how much I’m not in control. There is someone in control, and it’s definitely not me!

I got married and a month and half later felt weird. Yep, pregnant. I felt pregnant. So June wedding and April baby. She was (and is) a doll. The following November, I found out I was pregnant again. Unfortunately I lost that baby. I felt out of control when I thought I’d have kids 14 months apart, and I felt out of control when I couldn’t keep that baby alive inside me. Completely helpless. A few months later in January, I feel weird again. Ok- so I go to the doctor to get some hormones balanced and they told me “Hey, your hormones are off, but it’s because you are pregnant.” WHAT???? I go in for the ultrasound and BAM- There it is twins. TWINS. Did I mention my 9 month old daughter was crying in a stroller next to me while I was getting the ultrasound? I didn’t struggle to get pregnant. I know many do, so I am not trying to make light of that. All of this is to say that all of this was out of my control. I was happy, but scared. I was a newlywed-with an infant–pregnant with twins. I felt as if I was sitting in the passenger seat of a car going 100mph and there is no driver.  Totally in shock, and wondering “Who in the heck is driving this car?”  The thing is I know who is driving the car. It’s the One who created the universe. The Savior of my Soul.

FAST FORWARD and I end up being a single mom to 3 kids under the age of 2.

My world began to crumble around the time I was 6 months pregnant with the twins. It completely shattered when my precious babes were 3 weeks old. My twins arrived at 37 weeks 3 days. They were big and healthy, despite all the stress I had been under the last three months of my pregnancy. I even came home 2 days after they were born. (I figured you got to stay longer depending on the number babies you have- but no) My grandmother died when the twins were a week old. My grandmother who I acted as a caretaker for the previous 2 years. Out of Control. She was my last living grandparent. She was sick and it wasn’t a surprise, but that doesn’t mean you miss them any less. That doesn’t mean you don’t wish they had more time with their great grandchildren. That the kids could know her and cherish her the same way that I did. The two weeks later my husband moved out of the house. I was there, alone with twin newborns who don’t sleep, who have intense reflux, and I have a 16 month old who is completely confused about the world. She has two new people who cry and take her mom away, and dad is gone. Out of Control. There has to be someone in control. My head spun for days. Partially because I was so sleep deprived, and partially because my whole world literally crumbled, but I was needed by 3 little people.

I knew everything was out of my control. Because, seriously? I have thought several times over the past year “Can this be real life?” “Whose life is this?”  Well, remember when I referenced the One who created the universe, the Savior of my Soul. I have hope in Jesus Christ, the one who loves me and saved me. He is in control.

Let me show you how.

The baby I lost, it would have come around the time when things began to crumble. The amount of stress that came the time around the due date that would have been too much. God knew that baby was safer with Him. He wanted to keep that baby safe. The twins being born healthy and big? It minimized our bills, and I didn’t have to deal with NICU or preemies. I even had them naturally, so my recovery was so much faster than if I had to have a C-Section. Did I mention that we lived in my parents house because they lived in Switzerland? Did I mention my mom was back from their home in Switzerland to help me. My grandmother, she got to meet my twins. She talked about them constantly for the last few months of her life. I’m so glad she got to meet them, and them her before she went to see Jesus. My dad had also come back in town to be with his mom before she passed. He was here when my husband moved out. So while I did have 3 kids under two years old, I had my mom and my dad here. My mom who is excellent at child rearing. She woke up with me every night to feed the babies. She rocked them for hours on end in the middle of the night. She never ended up going back to Switzerland.  My dad was able to get transferred back permanently and moved home for good in December.

As soon as I finally opened up to my bestie about how bad things actually were, she stepped right in. When my husband moved out, she started coming over 1 morning each week to watch my kids, or help me watch the kids. That way my mom or I could go get groceries, or in my case go to therapy. Did I mention she also set up help two other mornings of the week. She, her husband, and my other bestie, came over the day after my husband moved out to clean up the mess he had left. They moved all of my things to a new bedroom, and took wonderful care of my babies. They sent me to get a massage.

I didn’t write all this to tell you a sob story.  I wrote it to show you how I thought I had it all in control, and in reality- I have no control.  All I can say is- I know God is in control. He may allow such CRAP to happen. But He also takes care of you. Take heart, friends. The Creater of the Universe will take care of you. One way or another. He will also teach you a multitude of lessons along the way.

It’s coming up on a year since my husband left. I still have issues with control, and I probably always will. But I also have 3 kids, so whatever control I think I have, it’s probably just an illusion.