They made me do it….

I have been reflecting on my little twinkie butts this past week. They turn 2. My precious little babies turn 2 years old on Saturday. They aren’t babies anymore. In fact they are raging toddlers. RAGING. Two tiny little terrors who tag-team and destroy the world around them. I love them to pieces, and I can’t imagine life without them being the dynamic duo that they are.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about what life would be like, if they never entered it. I would have had my oldest (because honestly, I tried to go back pre-kids and I can’t do it) and it would have been me and her. Would I have had to the courage to leave the the abusive relationship? Would I have made her live in a home where dad was allowed to treat mom like shit? Where people yell and cry, and she gets to be the only witness to it all? Honestly, I have a hard time imagining life without the twins, because they have pushed me to be something greater than I was. Not that I’m saying I’m great now, but they put me in a situation where I had to choose to be brave and fight.

When I was pregnant with the twins most of the hard core stuff was happening with my ex. That is when the 2 overdoses occurred and mayhem came around like bees who had their hive disrupted. It was just me and her (well the other two were along for the ride, but easier to manage at that point). I could pick her up and take her wherever I was going. One kid wasn’t hard to take care of. I didn’t feel guilty leaving her with people because she was the cutest kid ever and there was only one of her. When my twins were born, shit kept hitting the fan (honestly, I never knew there could be so much shit, but there was). It came to the point, where taking my one child and running off to a safe place wasn’t an option. Now I had 3 people I had to run off with, 2 who were newborns. Life became more difficult, and I found myself at a crossroads. My ex was losing it one night and I told him to go spend the night at a hotel, because I needed him to leave because I was scared. He decided he was leaving for good that night and packed all his things and claimed I kicked him out. My parents were with me, and my mom helped me take care of the twins during the night.

The point I’m trying to make is the twins made me stand up for myself. When I just had one kid I ran. I was able to run off. With 3- I had to stand and defend myself because that was the only choice I had. It hasn’t been an easy choice, in fact its the hardest choice I’ve ever made.

If someone told my 21 yr old self that at the age of 31 I would be a divorced mom with 3 toddlers, I would have said that person doesn’t know me very well, because that is not who I am and I don’t believe in divorce. 21 year old me had never experienced any abuse like 30 year old me had, or had the mama bear instincts that 30 year old me had (am I right, mamas!?).  I often find myself wondering who is gonna want a woman who is in her early 30’s with 3 small kids. I don’t know any guy who would take on that, to an instant family of 5, but I trust that the decision I made is what’s best for all of us, and I have peace about it.

So while, I feel like the twins have pushed me to my limits in every area of my life, they stopped me from running away from my problems to facing them head on. Thanks for the push kids. I can’t imagine my life without the 3 of you.

 

MLS_HansleyTwins_NB_0618

Newborn photo. Courtesy Mulberry Lane

“For happiness is anyone and anything at all, That’s loved by you”-You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown

What’s life if you don’t take chances. See, I am back to school to be a counselor. I had been a counselor (of sorts) before, and I remember telling someone “I’m a counselor because I believe people can change”. While I can say I’ve now seen some things, I can still say that, but someone has to want to change. I also believe if you aren’ happy in life, you should do something to change that. While I’m not a prosperity gospel type gal- I do believe we get choose some things, and those choices directly effect our happiness. Do something different. Work on yourself. Do something that makes you happy. It will be worth it. If you need counseling- DO IT (I promise, counseling is not for the weak, I actually believe it’s for the strong). I have a counselor. It’s awesome. I recommend it for people who don’t even have major issues. It’s just nice to have an unbiased ear to talk to. I’m often reminded of the lyrics to the song “Happiness” from Your a Good Man Charlie Brown.

 
Happiness is finding a pencil
Pizza with sausage
Telling the time
Happiness is learning to whistle
Tying your shoe for the very first time
Happiness is playing the drum in your own school band
And happiness is walking hand in hand
Happiness is two kinds of ice cream
Knowing a secret
Climbing a tree
Happiness is five different crayons
Catching a firefly
Setting him free
Happiness is being alone every now and then.
And happiness is coming home again
Happiness is morning and evening
Daytime and nighttime too
For happiness is anyone and anything at all
That’s loved by you
Happiness is having a sister
Sharing a sandwich
Getting along
Happiness is singing together when day is through
And happiness is those who sing with you
Happiness is morning and evening
Daytime and nighttime too
For happiness is anyone and anything at all
That’s loved by you
-You’re a good man, Charlie Brown.

 

These are all little things, but tell me you didn’t smile while you read this-thinking about your own life or childhood.So, do something that makes you happy. What makes you happy?

me? well I enjoy going to Costco by myself. I know- but there is something therapeutic about wandering around that store aimlessly. It’s much less fun when you have kids with you, eating all the samples you got for yourself. I also really enjoy working out. I hate it while I’m doing it, and I either go with a friend (one who doesn’t judge- really is there any other kind of actual friend?) or I bring Harry Potter audiobooks. I’m know. Go ahead and judge me, or copy me.

These things make me happy.

Find something that makes you happy. And for goodness sake. DO IT.

Brave New Tomorrow

Opportunities for Bravery

“Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow”. Does that line ring a bell? It’s from the hymn Great is Thy Faithfulness by Thomas Chrisholm. Sitting in church, in the midst of my uncertainty, we sang that hymn. That line hit me upside the head, and reminded me that God will strengthen me, and there is hope.

Hi. I’m Kimberly. I don’t know much, but what I do know is that life is full of opportunities. Opportunities for bravery. Every day is a new opportunity for bravery. Things were pretty simple for me. Then life happened. Adulting happened. Tragedy struck. I had to make some choices. Hard choices.  Necessary choices. I find myself in the place where I am a single mother to 3 incredible children who are all under the age of 3. That’s right folks, I’ve got irish triplets. A singleton (moms of multiples lingo) and twins who arrived 16 months later.

I am a follower of Christ. I am by no means perfect.  One morning, in the midst of my tragedy, I was unable to sleep. I got up, made myself coffee, and began to read my Bible and pray. As I was praying, begging God for answers as to why in the heck is this happening, He sent me to Jeremiah.  I was reading about how God would rebuild the city.  I sat there wondering what God was trying to say to me in that moment, and honestly, I didn’t know. What I do know is that God is saying He his faithful. That He is the hope I have to hold onto. That God is faithful, and He has me. He has my kids. He has my future, hopes, worries, anxieties, fears, joys, trials, happiness… (do you see where I’m going?). He is orchestrating my life, and I may not see why, or how in the world He is going to work this for my good, but His word tells me He is (Romans 8:28). That seems like a cliché Bible verse to some, but to those in trial, those who have no idea what God is doing or why He allows things to happen, it reminds you that God’s got this and He is working it for your good, despite our doubt.

So there it is. A Brave New Tomorrow. Every night when I go to bed, I have to choose to be brave tomorrow. No matter how I failed or succeeded that day.  Whether I kicked butt at parenting, or lost it about 100 times that day (this is what typically happens). I have people depending on me to be brave.

So I will be brave.