I have been reflecting on my little twinkie butts this past week. They turn 2. My precious little babies turn 2 years old on Saturday. They aren’t babies anymore. In fact they are raging toddlers. RAGING. Two tiny little terrors who tag-team and destroy the world around them. I love them to pieces, and I can’t imagine life without them being the dynamic duo that they are.
Sometimes I find myself thinking about what life would be like, if they never entered it. I would have had my oldest (because honestly, I tried to go back pre-kids and I can’t do it) and it would have been me and her. Would I have had to the courage to leave the the abusive relationship? Would I have made her live in a home where dad was allowed to treat mom like shit? Where people yell and cry, and she gets to be the only witness to it all? Honestly, I have a hard time imagining life without the twins, because they have pushed me to be something greater than I was. Not that I’m saying I’m great now, but they put me in a situation where I had to choose to be brave and fight.
When I was pregnant with the twins most of the hard core stuff was happening with my ex. That is when the 2 overdoses occurred and mayhem came around like bees who had their hive disrupted. It was just me and her (well the other two were along for the ride, but easier to manage at that point). I could pick her up and take her wherever I was going. One kid wasn’t hard to take care of. I didn’t feel guilty leaving her with people because she was the cutest kid ever and there was only one of her. When my twins were born, shit kept hitting the fan (honestly, I never knew there could be so much shit, but there was). It came to the point, where taking my one child and running off to a safe place wasn’t an option. Now I had 3 people I had to run off with, 2 who were newborns. Life became more difficult, and I found myself at a crossroads. My ex was losing it one night and I told him to go spend the night at a hotel, because I needed him to leave because I was scared. He decided he was leaving for good that night and packed all his things and claimed I kicked him out. My parents were with me, and my mom helped me take care of the twins during the night.
The point I’m trying to make is the twins made me stand up for myself. When I just had one kid I ran. I was able to run off. With 3- I had to stand and defend myself because that was the only choice I had. It hasn’t been an easy choice, in fact its the hardest choice I’ve ever made.
If someone told my 21 yr old self that at the age of 31 I would be a divorced mom with 3 toddlers, I would have said that person doesn’t know me very well, because that is not who I am and I don’t believe in divorce. 21 year old me had never experienced any abuse like 30 year old me had, or had the mama bear instincts that 30 year old me had (am I right, mamas!?). I often find myself wondering who is gonna want a woman who is in her early 30’s with 3 small kids. I don’t know any guy who would take on that, to an instant family of 5, but I trust that the decision I made is what’s best for all of us, and I have peace about it.
So while, I feel like the twins have pushed me to my limits in every area of my life, they stopped me from running away from my problems to facing them head on. Thanks for the push kids. I can’t imagine my life without the 3 of you.
Newborn photo. Courtesy Mulberry Lane